Wag More, Bark Less

I read this on a bumper sticker today and thought it was appropriate for my current situation. My nerves are right underneath the surface at this point, as are my feelings, and I am finding myself snapping or getting irritated so quickly these days. I am normally much more tolerant (for the most part), and so I am going to make a conscious effort to do more wagging, less barking.

I will leave you with a list of things that made me smile today:

• A cloud shaped like a smiling goldfish cracker.
• A conversation with my mom, that made me both smile and cry. In the mall. More on this later.
• A field of blooming bluebonnets on my way to the store.
• A couple of kids in my neighborhood playing with light sabers in their front yard. Ahh, the innocence of youth.
• A phone call from one of the best friends, doling out support and comfort just by being there to talk to.
• Buying my first coffee maker! I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning. :)

Wag more, bark less.

Fake It Til You Feel It

It's been awhile since I've written. A loooooong while. I am aware of this. Life gets busy, things start to happen, and all of a sudden it's been 18 months since last we spoke. I wish that I could apologize, but I really can't. In the last year and a half, I've changed jobs, bought a house, and have done some growing up. It's been nice and busy and wonderful, but I've missed you. So I'm back.

There is a specific reason I am back now. I've always been pretty sure of myself. Confident in my ability to do whatever I want to do, my path in life, and, though my self-esteem in some areas can drift back and forth, there never really has been anything to shake that confidence. Recently, however, I was thrown for a loop. Something happened to shake my confidence and make me question. I thought I was headed in the right direction, in line with where I was supposed to be, and I was wrong. Not only was I a little wrong, I was a LOT wrong. I can't really talk about what happened just yet, but let's just say it was personal and it hurt deeply. While finding out that I was so wrong did not shatter me completely, I did break a little. And I'm having some trouble putting myself back together again.

I am unhappy, for the first time in my life.

I've always been the girl with a smile on her face, content to be who and what she is. I will be the first to admit that I have my fair share of moods, but normally the only ones who see that side of me are those who are closest to me - my family and one or two lucky friends, and these times are few and far between. For the most part, I am a happy-go-lucky girl, excited to go to work every day (shocking, I know) and to hang out with her friends and family on the weekends. I am not currently this girl. Right now I am the girl who has to drag herself out of bed every day, when I used to be such a morning person (I looooved getting to work around 7am). I am the girl who cries at the drop of a hat, to which family members will scoff at and say I've always been like this. Nope, not like THIS. I'm the girl who would rather sit on her couch than go out and have dinner with a friend. I'm actually the girl who would rather sit on her couch than do much of anything. I am ANGRY. I am angry at what happened, angry at my situation, even angry with God.

But mostly, I am just unhappy. Unhappy with myself. I hate being unhappy with myself, and for turning the blame for this situation onto myself, when it so clearly belongs elsewhere.

My nerves are stretched so thin, all the time, and I actually have to remind myself to smile. You guys. I HATE being this girl. I want to throw things at this girl. But I'm not really sure how to stop being this girl. I have tried and tried, but nothing is working. This is where you come in.

I have started Operation Fake It Til You Feel It. My very best friend actually came up with the title (I feel I should give her props, as it is an amazing title). I am working on faking being happy, faking wanting to go out, faking excitement about going to work, faking being myself again, until one day I actually WILL be happy, WILL want to go out and see my friends, WILL be excited about work, or really just about anything, and I WILL once again be me. I also feel like writing will help, so here I am. Hopefully, sooner than later, I will really feel it and will not just be faking. You will be the first to know when that day happens (see? when? I'm already more optimistic).

In the meantime, I feel like enumerating some of the good things in my life might help outweigh the bad. Perhaps by listing some of them, I can concentrate on the good things, instead of solely focusing on the not-so-good.

1. I have a job. A job that I enjoy, and a job that I am damn good at. It is new to me, and I make mistakes. But I like what I do, I like working with the kids, and I'd like to think that others I work with think I'm doing a good job as well.

2. I own a house, by myself, at 28 years old. I actually bought it at the age of 27. Not many people can say that. It is probably the most adult thing I have done to date, and I love it.

3. I have great parents. FANTASTIC. I can't say enough about them. They are my support, my sounding boards, and my biggest fans. They always see the best in me, even when all I see is the worst, and they never let me give up on myself or on what I want. Never.

4. I have very good friends, who understand my need to creep back into my protective shell. I become very turtle-like when I've been hurt, and they get that. They hold me when I cry, take my calls when I need to talk, and support me in ways I can't even explain.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I stop faking it and start feeling it. Maybe it won't.

I'll still be ok.

Whoa.

Umm...how can my last post be September 5th??? Hasn't it only been a couple of weeks since I've last posted?? Apparently not. A lot has happened in my little world since we last spoke - so much that I have to actually organize what I am going to say so it does not come out in some rambling, run-on paragraph. In the meantime, I was tagged about a month ago by my friend Becky and am just now getting around to it. Enjoy, and I PROMISE I'll be back soon. :)

The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on the blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

My Six Things:

1. I have 30% hearing loss in my left ear. When I was a child, I got a really bad ear infection that resulted in a ruptured ear drum. Thus, the hearing loss. I never noticed it as a child, and my parents never made a huge issue of it. In fact, no one outside my family knew until I went to college. One day, my roommate Crissy asked me why I turned my head to the right when I was watching tv. Apparently I did face towards the right of the tv to compensate for not being able to hear as well on my left side. I never knew I did that. Kudos to Crissy. :)

2. I was abusive to my younger brother when we were kids. Well, perhaps abusive is the wrong word. "Torturous" might be better. :) I was three years older and hated him when we were children, since he took the attention off of me. I colored his head with Magic Markers, dragged him down the hallway by his foot, told him that PBJ sandwiches had onions in them (he HATES onions) and generally made his life a living hell for a few years. The best is when we played Barbies and GI Joes. We made a pact to play Barbies for an hour then switch to GI Joes for an hour, to be fair. However, only one of us could tell time (guess which one). We would play Barbies for the full hour, then switch to GI Joes...for about 15 minutes. Then it was back to Barbies! Hee, I was fun.

3. I am a sweet, mild-mannered, very easy to get along with gal...until I get behind the wheel of a car. I have a touch of road rage at times, I'll admit. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to drive. I mean, seriously, 55 in the left lane?? Stopping on an on-ramp to wait for the perfect spot to merge?? Come on. These and other offenses are often followed by yelling and fist-waving coming from my car. With a couple of more serious offenses, I have considered following said stupidity home or getting out of my car to have a few choice words with the stupid. I have resisted the temptation thus far, although usually a member of my family has to listen to me rant for a few miles in order for me to calm down. I have not resorted to throwing live animals. Do not worry.

4. I am addicted to Milano cookies. Seriously. I bought a package after a particularly grueling day at work and opened them up while I was talking with my roommate on the couch. Twenty minutes later they were All. Gone. The entire package. And honestly? I still kinda wanted some more.

5. Not only do I fold my underwear, but they are in stacks in my drawer according to type or cut. Who does that??

6. When I stretch out the toes of my left foot, my third and fourth toes don't move and continue to touch each other. My fourth toe just will not move. I broke that toe several years ago when I walked into the corner of my bed (we won't go there) and ever since then, try as I might, it stays firmly attached to my third toe.

I tag YOU.

I have nothing new to say.

Actually, that's not true. I have a lot to say, but I'm not ready to say any of it. So I'm deferring to the parroted list instead. Enjoy!

10 years ago...

September, 1998. I had just started my senior year in high school. I had applied to Texas A&M, the only university I wanted to attend. My parents pushed me to apply elsewhere, but since A&M is where I wanted to go, and I knew I'd get in (thank you top 10%), I figured what was the point? I drove a '04 Hyundai Excel, was drum major and all-around awesomeness in the band :) and life was just about perfect.


5 years ago...

September 2003. I had just graduated college the previous May, having no idea what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew is that I wanted to stay with my friends in College Station, so I ended up working a crappy bank teller job making just over minimum wage. I did, however, have the best time with my roommates, Andrea and Caitlin. I owe so much to you two. It was a scary time, trying to become an adult but having no idea the direction my life was headed, but I handled it the best I could.

5 months ago...

April 2008. Trying to survive my way through TAKS season. Spring is always a hard time for me, socially and job-wise. I spend all my time at school, and if I'm not there, I'm thinking about things I need to do when I get there.

5 things on my to do list tomorrow...

1. Sleep in without my alarm, thank goodness
2. Pick up my prescription
3. Grade papers
4. Do laundry
5. SMU football game with the family

5 things people don't know about me...

1. I own an NSYNC dvd of one of their concerts. Crissy and I used to actually sit and watch it for hours at a time.
2. I know 98% of the Friends episodes by heart. Maybe 99%.
3.When I was young, I colored on my little brother's head with markers.
4. Since my mom is a teacher, I used to think that everyone had the summer off, and my dad just had a really special job, since he didn't get a vacation like that.
5. I was 3 1/2 weeks late when I was born, which means I was HUGE. I ran out of room in my mom's stomach, so my feet were extremely pigeon-toed when I was a child, from being squished. I had to wear braces on my legs at night for a looooong time to correct the issue, and I'm still not convinced that it's corrected today.

5 bad habits...

1. I twirl my hair, especially when I'm nervous.
2. I have Really. Bad. Road. Rage. Just ask Alida, or my brother.
3. Expecting everyone to be as organized and on-time as I am.
4. Impatience...you would think that would have been cured the first year of teaching middle school. But no. No it hasn't been.
5. Thinking less of myself than I should.

5 places I've lived...

1. Fort Worth, TX
2. Aledo, TX
3. College Station, TX
4. Bryan, TX
5. Mansfield, TX

Tag 5 people...

You're it.

The Meme of Finished Sentences

Enjoy. :)

1. My uncle once: pointed a gun at my other uncle, who happened to be holding me at the time. So essentially, he pointed a gun at me. Yeah, my family's cool like that.

2. Never in my life: have I watched The Terminator movies. My friend was appalled when he found this out. I personally don't see what the big deal is.

3. When I was five: I skipped a grade in school because I was bored in the class I was in and getting into trouble. This is why I am younger than everyone I know.

4. High school was: a long time ago. I had fun, and there are times when I'm nostalgic about certain things, like band trips and football games, but I'm glad it's over.

5. I will never forget: where I was on 9/11, as I'm sure you won't either. I had just woken up, about 8:45, and had gone out to the kitchen to get some breakfast. My roommate, Crissy, was sitting on the couch watching the news. She looked up at me and said, "You're not going to believe this." At the time, they still thought that perhaps the building had been bombed instead of planed. Together we watched the second plane hit the tower, and then watched the two towers fall. I had a class later that day, and as I was riding the bus, it struck me how silent everyone was. There was no talking on the bus whatsoever. I will never forget.

6. Once I met: Yao Ming. The Chinese President came to talk at the Bush Library when I was a senior, and I got to go with the OPS team from MSC OPAS for security purposes. Yao Ming had traveled up from Houston, and I got to meet him after the speech. He is HUGE. I came to his belly button. Seriously.

7. There’s this girl I know: who moved across the country and didn't know anyone. She's pretty awesome. As are all my girls.

8. Once, at a bar: I threw up IN the bar. In front of people. It was my 23rd birthday, I hadn't eaten that much during the day, and we only had about an hour and a half to celebrate. I downed 3 amaretto sours and 2 beers in an hour and then proceeded to throw up next to our table. It's a good thing I was friends with the owner.

9. By noon, I’m usually: dying for lunch. During school I eat breakfast on my way to school, around 6:30, so by noon my stomach is craving more nourishment.

10. Last night: I watched The Notebook, even though it's torture for me. My grandma has Alzheimer's, which is much like the dementia that Ali suffers from in the movie, and I'm unable to watch her struggle. So I fast forward through the present-time parts of the movie and only watch the scenes from the book Noah reads. It's better for me that way.

11. If only I had: my debts paid off. I'd be a much happier girl.

12. Next time I go to church: will be Sunday.

13. What worries me most: never paying off my bills.

14. When I turn my head left I see: my patio door and the TV.

15. When I turn my head right I see: my over packed August calendar.

16. You know I’m lying when: see, here's the thing: I lie really really well. Seriously. I can look you right in the eye and lie, and you'd never know. This is why I never do it. It would be much too easy. So to finish the sentence: you'd never know when I was lying.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: the innocence of childhood.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Viola from Twelfth Night. We had to make these videos in senior English, our group chose that particular comedy, and I was chosen to play Viola. I loved it. Our video was not so good, partly because we shot it all in one day, but mostly because we were seniors and just didn't care.

19. By this time next year: I'll be much closer to my master's degree, and hopefully I'll be in a different phase of my life.

20. A better name for me would be: Sophia. No reason, I just like the name.

21. I have a hard time understanding: close-minded people. Believing that there is only ONE way to do anything is super arrogant, to my way of thinking.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be a lot older, seeing as how I've already decided to go back to school for my master's degree.

23. You know I like you if: my friends know about you.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: the person or people who are giving me the award. Very polite, Becky.

25. Take my advice, never: try to clean around a burner with a paper towel while the burner is on. This is how fires begin.

26. My ideal breakfast is: a cheese and onion omelet. YUM.

27. A song I love but do not have is: Near to You by A Fine Frenzy. LOVE it.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: ignore the monstrosity that is the new football stadium. It really is just hideous.

29. Why won’t people: get out of the left lane if they are going slower than the flow of traffic?? This is the cause of much road rage for me.

30. If you spend a night at my house: you'll have to talk loudly if you want to wake me up. I wear earplugs to bed. When I first lived on my own, every little noise scared me to death, so I started wearing earplugs so I could sleep at all. Now, I've gotten so used to them that I cannot sleep without them.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: almost nothing. It'd have to be pretty serious (ie natural disaster (HUGE natural disaster) or heart attack) for me to stop my wedding.

32. The world could do without: wasps. They serve no purpose but to frighten and intimidate, and they resemble the aliens on Independence Day.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: do the dishes.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: Justin Timberlake. YUM.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: wasps. And crickets.

36. If I do anything well it’s: reading. And organizing.

37. I can’t help but: read. It's a sickness really. Last week, I succumbed and got a library card. I am opposed to library cards because I like to own my books, but it's just too expensive. So I caved.

38. I usually cry: at everything. Anything that you can possibly think of to cry at, I do. I cry when the OnStar commercials come on the radio and you hear the panicked voices of the car crash victims. It's ridiculous, really.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: You can do anything you want to do. Just try.

40. And by the way: I love to write blogs like this. Takes out all the work for me. :)

Have you ever gone through a time...

...when you question everything about your life? Then you'll recognize where I am, right about now. I don't really know why yet, and I don't have a whole lot of words on the subject, but I'm doing a lot of questioning right now. If I ever find the answers, I will explain in more detail. Promise.

In other news...

I got an A in my first graduate class!! Granted, it was an intro class, and I believe that about 90% of the class received A's, but still. I have a 4.0 for the first time in my college career, and I'm reveling, baby. AND I passed my high school math certification test on the FIRST TRY. Just about unheard of with this bad boy. I seriously know people that took the test five times before they passed. Five times of taking a 90-question, 5 hour mother of a test. Oh, and paying $85 each time to take said monster. I am so happy I passed the first time around.

I traveled with the lovely Amy last weekend to visit my pseudo-nephew, Ian Caleb Hartl. I call him my pseudo because I'm really not related to either of his parents, but I might as well be. So he's my nephew. He is 15 days old and 7 lbs. of complete preciousness. He hardly ever cried and was always in the greatest mood. And Oh. My. Gosh. The kid can EAT. All the time he would eat. It was hilarious. But we were all glad of the eating, and the pooping that inevitably followed, since he had some issues with that when he first came home. So eat away, Ian!! Just give your mom a little down time now and again.

Here he is, sleeping in his daddy's arms.

Here's my baby, just chillin' on the ottoman.

Have a great week!!!

I have a confession.

Seriously. I think I have a weight I need to get off my chest. HUGE confession. I'm only going to share it with you. Ready?

I think I have an addiction problem.

It's weird...I don't really think I have an issue when I'm in the middle of a binge. I always think, "Linds, you can handle this. No problem." But it always ends the same: waking up in the morning, can't remember what I did the night before, can't really even remember my own name. Spending all of my paycheck to score the good stuff, just to be back on the street in less than a week, trying to make the deal. Scary stuff. This happened again last night, which would be the third night in a row. This has lead me to believe that I need to take that shaky first step and admit I have a problem.

I, Linds, am addicted to books.

ADDICTED.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Why is it scary to be addicted to books?? Isn't reading a *good* thing?? For normal people without the addiction, yes, reading is considered a pleasant pasttime, even a hobby. For me? Scary obsession is the only phrase that comes to mind.

I don't just read books. I devour them. I spend sleepless nights with my books, quickly turning page after page, so anxious to figure out what happens. The last three Harry Potter books? Stayed up all night long to finish. I'm talking 5 am, 6 am, people. And for two of those books, I had to work the next day. Did that give me pause? No, sir. I'm hardcore.

I cannot use the library. I must OWN my books. Hardback, paperback, it doesn't matter. They have to belong to me. I tried to use the library when I was younger. I ended up with major fines, simply because I Would. Not. Turn. Them. In. I currently own over 200 books, stuffed into three bookcases. I try to organize them alphabetically, and by genre (yes, I am slightly OCD), but I have run out of room on my bookshelves, so now I stuff. And I just bought four more tonight. Four. I also keep a running calendar of when books by my favorite authors are coming out. For instance, there is one coming out next Tuesday, and then of course, Breaking Dawn on Aug. 2. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I feel so sorry for you.

Tuesday are my favorite day of the week - it's when new books come out. EVERY week.

At any given moment, I can be reading up to three books at a time, depending on how captivated I am by the story. If I'm into a book, like can't-put-it-down, reading-it-on-the-toilet-cause-it's-just-that-good into it, then I'll stop all of my other books I'm currently reading and focus all of my attention on just that one. If there is a book, however, that is not *that* great, just ok, I'll read it along with a couple others, just to keep my options open. I'm also a re-reader. My mother can't stand it. If I don't have a new book waiting when I finish the last one (which is rare), I'll pull out one of my old ones. Yes, I know what happens in those books. Some of them I can quote. They are just SO good. I can't help myself. Many of my books I have re-read up to 4 or 5 times, a couple more than that.

I blame my parents. They are the ones that just *had* to read to me when I was a child. And, if I recall correctly, they are the ones who insisted I have nap time, which did not necessarily consist of a nap. If I wasn't tired, I could read - I just had to stay on my bed and have a quiet hour. Oh, if they only knew then what that hour a day would turn me into as an adult - an addicted, quivering mess with no self-control whatsoever as soon as she steps foot in a bookstore. You should have known, Mom and Dad.

Thanks for listening and getting this off my chest. You have no idea how much this helped.

:)

Umm...

Yeah, there were bullets in my post when I was writing it. I don't know where they have gone. Please don't think that I just wrote sentences with no order at all. I was trained by the Sam. They have simply disappeared. Forgive me.

I know, I know.

It's been awhile since my last post. I am aware of this. Specifically, it has been a month and 10 days. Forgive me, life has been CRAZY. Since writing about all of the crazy in paragraph form would take about 14 paragraphs to write, I'm going for the bulleted version instead.

• School is out. (I know. Duh. It's June.) The last few weeks of class I was trying desperately to pack up my room to move across the building (for no good reason, mind you, but that's a whole other post), while still trying to teach my students some semblance of math. But it's over, my kids passed and are headed to high school, and everything in my room has been packed and moved. I hope.
• Cheer camp has come and gone. Thank goodness for the gone part. Oh my word, this was the most stressful camp ever. Now, keep in mind this is only one of two cheer camps I have ever been to in my life, but this one definitely comes out on top as far as stress levels go. Examples of the mishaps that occured while at camp: twisted knee, burned finger, 2 lost dorm keys, the lock getting changed on mine and Amanda's room for no apparent reason, broken wrist, and three girls getting stuck in the dorm elevator. The last four things on that list happened the last day we were at camp. ALL OF THEM. Within a four hour period. Sheesh.
• Grad school has begun. The first day, when I received my syllabus from my professor, I almost hyperventilated. Seriously. This class is 3 weeks long, consisting of 3 Friday classes and 3 Saturday classes, and these were the requirements: an interview with a counselor in the field in which we are interested, then a 6-8 page paper on said interview; a 45-minute group presentation on a chapter from the book which we were not covering in class but yet which the professor feels we need to be knowledgeable about; a literature review, 7-10 pages, over a counseling topic of our choice (mine is bullying - I deal with it on a daily basis, I may as well know more about it); a final test covering the first 9 chapters in our book. In three weeks. Hyperventilation. But it really has worked out fine. The interview and said paper is finished and turned in, the presentation is Friday, and the paper and the final are due Saturday. Cross your fingers, I might actually get an A.
• I ventured to Seattle for 5 days in the midst of all the crazy. Probably the most fun trip I've had out there yet. It was so so nice for me to see the life that my girl Alida has begun to build for herself. She is so much more comfortable, knowledgeable, and any other -able you can think of in terms of living out there. It was awesome to get to know her friends and put faces to the names she's been spouting for the past 6 months. She surprised me with tickets to Avenue Q as a Happy Grad School present!!! I was so excited...and surprised. She and her friends kept waiting for me to catch onto the fact that we were going, but you know me. Too trusting. Alida told me we were going to see this one-man show that her roommate was producing, so I believed her. Silly me. We went up to the theater that had a HUGE Avenue Q banner running down the side. Lindsey: "Oh, this must be the same theater that Avenue Q is being held in. How fun!" Clueless. They hand me my ticket, which has the words "Avenue Q" printed in the middle of it. Lindsey: "Oh, this man's name above Avenue Q must be the one-man show we're going to see. They just must be advertising for Avenue Q a lot!" Still nothing. We walk inside, past the lady in an Avenue Q t-shirt, handing out Avenue Q programs. Lindsey: "There must be a showing of Avenue Q in the main theater! Which theater is Angel's play in?" I am an idiot. It wasn't until we actually walked into the main theater and I was handed one of the aformentioned Avenue Q programs that it clicked. I stopped dead, stared at Alida, and yelled, "What are we seeing?!?!", causing an entire row of other playgoers to laugh hysterically at the Texas girl who is obviously clueless. Awesome. It was everything I'd hoped for, and more. As was the trip.
• I came back from Seattle last Wednesday, just in time for my dad to break his leg on Thursday. It's really not as bad as it sounds, although there's really no other way to say it. He slipped on some mud at a job site he was looking at and rolled his ankle underneath his foot (I'm still not sure exactly how this happened, and he obviously is in no position to show me at the present time). He has broken his fibula, which is the back bone in your calf. It is not the weight-bearing bone (the tibula - I've learned so much from this), thank goodness, since then he would have probably had to have had surgery, but it is still uber-painful. He is on crutches and a "cast" right now (I use this term loosely, since it is really just a glorified splint) with strict orders not to put any weight on it whatsoever. Lucky for him, it's his right leg - so he can't drive. My mom has been driving him around since Thursday, and it's my turn this week. Yay.

I think that's the extent of the crazy. Oh yes, and in the middle of all of this, I'm trying to have some semblence of a life. It has it's moments. But that's another day.

Tag, I'm it.

I have been tagged. Not literally, since the source of this tag has claimed she actually hates to tag people, since it brings a sense of obligation to the taggee (tagged?). However, she did tell me that she wanted me to feel tagged, so I would post a new blog. Thus, the tag.

Five things you don't know about me:

1. I am ADDICTED to Dawson's Creek. You would think that the present Katie Holmes would have ruined this for me, but no. No she has not. I have dreams about Pacey Whitter. I NEVER would have broken up with him at prom. Pick me, Pacey. Pick me.

2. I sucked my thumb until about the age of 10. No exaggeration. It was just too comforting. I never used a pacifier when I was a baby. Why would I need some plastic replica, when my thumb did the job just fine? My parents had to go to the doctor for a remedy (an Ace bandage wrapped around the elbow, rendering the arm unconscious if held at a right angle for any amount of time) because I REFUSED to stop. Hence the extreme overbite of my youth.

3. I talk to myself in the shower. Not singing. Talking. Especially when I have a problem I'm trying to work out or have an issue that I can't just figure out. Sometimes it just helps to say things out loud.

4. I broke my collarbone when I was three when some cubbyholes fell on me. Sure, I was monkey-climbing on them, which I was not supposed to do. But I was three. Who *doesn't* want to monkey-climb when they're three?? I still have the groove in my collarbone to this day.

5. I refused to learn to ride my bicycle without the training wheels. Flat out refused. Until my three-years-younger brother did it. Then the gauntlet was thrown.

Sure, the first time I tried, I ran into a mailbox. Hard. But I shook it off, got back up, and tried again. Slower this time.

Enjoy!!

Five years later.

I graduated from college five years ago today. I didn't realize that interesting tidbit of information until I was getting ready for school this morning and put on my bracelet that my aunt gave me when I graduated. She engraved my name and the date of my graduation on the inside. There it was, staring back at me from pretty cursive lettering. May 9, 2003. It gave me pause, I must say. Five years. Hmm.

Five years ago:

- I was 21 years old.
- My parents were still financially responsible for almost every aspect of my life.
- I had never lived alone, independent from anyone.
- I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. When I graduated with my sociology degree, I had no clue where to go from there, I only knew that I didn't want to leave College Station. It was familiar, it was what I had known for four years. So I didn't. I got an entry level job at a bank that barely covered my expenses, lived with my grandparents for a few months until I moved into a house that I really couldn't afford, and worked for 6 months at a job that I ultimately hated, simply because I wasn't ready to move on. When I finally woke up and realized that teaching is where I wanted to be, I ended up breaking a lease, hurting a friend, and letting down a company that had been training me to move up in the ranks. Not a great way to start my adult life.

Today:

- I am 26 years old.
- I am fully financially responsible for myself. I paid off my car 6 months early, thank you very much, and I am proud to say that when I applied for loans for school this summer, the banker mentioned that I have one of the best credit ratings he has ever seen. Not just for people my age, but period.
- I have lived alone for the past 2.5 years, and it's something I am going to miss greatly when I meet that certain someone.
- I am in a career I love, and one that I am really good at. I was chosen last week to speak at a VIP dinner at our district's showcase about the great things going on at our school. I was the only teacher chosen from my school and only one of 5 speakers chosen, period. Afterwards, I had both assistant superintendents, one school board member, one principal of another school, and my superintendent of my district (my boss's boss's boss) come up to me to let me know how much they enjoyed my talk and my ideas and enthusiasm. You have no idea how that made me feel. The best part is, I'm doing what I love. It is one of my greatest joys, knowing that I get to see my kids every day. They drive me crazy, and sometimes I just want to close my eyes and pray for summer, but I really love them. They are the best part of me. I am also planning on going back to school this summer to get my master's in counseling, and I'm so excited that sometimes I just cannot control the giddiness.

Bring on the next five years. It's only getting better with time.

I am unprepared.

One of my students died yesterday morning. I figured it would be easier if I just come right out and say it instead of hedging around it. It is not. His name was Brent, he was 14 years old, he was smart and goofy and funny, and he died from the impact of flying over his 4-wheeler when he applied the front brakes instead of the back brakes and hitting a brick mailbox head-on. The crazy, ironic thing is...he was wearing his helmet. Just goes to show that you really never know.

I found out while at a party with some friends, and at first I thought it was some cruel joke. It is incredibly hard for the brain to wrap itself around the idea that someone so vibrant, so full of life, with such a bright future ahead of him is suddenly gone. It wasn't a joke. In the space of one hour, I received 2 phone calls, 1 text message, and an official email from my principal. The world had indeed turned upside down.

Today was unarguably the worst day I have ever spent as a teacher. I have never heard the 8th grade hall so silent. We were all in complete shock. My 1st period students just stared into space with this eerily blank look in their eyes, horribly reminding me of pictures of Hurricane Katrina survivors. I debated for about 2 minutes on whether or not to try and have a normal day or let them grieve. The grief won. Once we as teachers decided to surrender to the sadness, all there was to see were pockets of students clinging to each other, either sharing stories of Brent and his antics to help relieve the silence or crying together, praying that they would wake up from the nightmare. I sat next to one of his best friends for about 30 minutes, not talking, not trying to make him *feel better* - just sitting. Somehow it comforted us both.

It was in that 30 minutes on the hallway floor with Cole that made me realize how unprepared I was for this situation. I thought back on my alternative certification classes that I took the summer before I became a teacher, wracking my brain for any remembrance of advice or protocol for the death of a student. There was nothing. In case that I had just missed out on the preparation since I am not actually an education major, I casually asked around, talking with teachers that I know have a degree in education to see if they were taught anything about this subject. You would think that this subject would at least be an appendix in an education textbook, seeing as how there are school shootings, teen suicides, and accidental deaths happening every day. There was nothing.

I have no idea what the rest of the week will bring. I do know that, come Saturday, we will be burying one of my students. Just the thought has tears rolling down my cheeks.

I am unprepared.

My Job is Secure.

That's right, folks. It's that lovely time of year again, TAKS season. Or, as we in the profession like to call it, hell. It's been especially time-consuming and anxiety-ridden this year, as this 8th grade class is the first class required to pass the reading and math tests before moving on to high school. Ah, No Child Left Behind. How I loathe thee.

Since the SSI (Student Success Initiative, otherwise known as the reason they have to pass the tests) has moved up to the 8th grade and they have to pass those two tests, the state moved up the testing days of reading and math in order to administer retakes to those students who cannot pass the test the first time around. Usually our tests are about the 3rd week in April. This year the reading test was March 5th and our math test was on April 8th. Yes, let's force the students to pass the test, even though some of them are simply not capable of on-level work, and let's give them less time in which to learn the material that they must to learn in order to pass said test. Brilliant. But I digress.

As I mentioned, we had our test on April 8th, and amazingly enough, the state did a quick 8 day turnaround on our scores. Our school's passing percentage was 87%, which I was disappointed in at first, this being the lowest percentage we've had since I started teaching in this school. However, we were told to examine our own students, take out those scores that did not count towards our percentages, and recalculate our passing rate for our own students. I hear you saying, "Why are there students that don't count?" Good question. There are students constantly moving in and out of school districts according to the will and whim of their parents, and the state didn't feel it was fair for a teacher to be responsible for the student's score if they had not been teaching them for the entire year. For once, the state got something right. They instituted "SnapShot Day", which usually occurs in late October. On that day, every student enrolled at the school will count against your scores for TAKS. If a student moves in after that date, they don't count for you, they count for their old school. And vice versa, for any students that move out of our school after that day. I had two students move in after that day, so I got to remove their scores from my list. There are also students who do not take the "real" TAKS, they take an accommodated version according to their skill level, and that test does not count for this year, since it's a brand-new test and the state lets the first year of a new test slide. Remove four more students from my count. After alllllll of that, my scores report as follows:

79 total students (I know, those of you that teach are staring in disbelief. Cheerleading can be fabulous.)

76 passing students (96%)
3 failing students (4%)
36 commended students (46%, only missed 5 or less questions)
8 perfect scores

I still have a job, even if it is one whose performance evals are based on the scores of a test over which I have no control whatsoever. But that's a rant for another day. For today, it's enough to know this is my best percentage yet. Hallelujah.

Pssst

I changed my blog name back. I decided that I like it, and Becky was right. Song lyrics be damned. ;)

Holy Hail Storm Batman.

I have been through hail. I almost was killed by hail in 2002, as I have mentioned. I, however, have NEVER seen what I saw tonight.

There was a humongous band of storms marching from west to east across North Texas tonight. I started watching the news around 6ish, saw tornados directly over where my parents live, freaked out just slightly, but I returned to normal when my mom called and said not only did they only get lots of rain, the worst of the storm was headed directly east, which would mean it would miss my house by a few miles. Lindsey rejoiced.

I continued watching news coverage, interspersed with snippets of Scrubs (I missed The Office because of this storm, dangit) for the rest of the evening. I noticed that the band of storms had grown toward the south, and a particularly scary shade of red was bearing down on Mansfield, my neck of the woods. The weatherman said it was no big deal, just rain and maybe some pea-sized hail. Nothing to worry about.

I've heard somewhere that meteorologists have the best job since they can be wrong all the time and still get a paycheck.

It started about 9 pm. All was quiet...and then came the rain. It came out of nowhere, and all of a sudden there were sheets of water falling from the sky. The wind was blowing so hard that it was raining sideways, literally. Thank goodness that I live on the northeast corner of my building and the storm came in from the west. I was sheltered, for the most part. I sat on my balcony for a few minutes to watch the rain. The outside lights on my apt. buildings blew, so it was a little strange to watch in the dark. I felt ok about it though, cause my apt. was right there, lights glowing cheerfully. I went back inside to call my mother and tell her all was well on my side of the world. And that's when I realized that the sheeting rain was just a preview of what was to come.

I was on the phone with my mother when it started hailing. And hailing. And hailing some more. I live on the top floor of my building, and I really seriously thought that the roof was going to cave it at one point. It was so loud that I couldn't hear my mother talking to me on the phone. I considered heading toward my closet, the innermost point in my house (although, being on the top floor, would it really make a difference if I tried to hide?) but I was too fascinated by the extreme amount of hail being currently dumped on my corner of the metroplex. I said goodbye to my mom and spent the rest of the storm at my balcony door, peeking through a crack at the world gone mad. After about five minutes it subsided, and I risked a trip actually out onto my balcony. I couldn't believe my eyes. There was hail EVERYWHERE. It looked as if it had snowed. It was pea-sized, all right. The meteorologist just failed to mention that the pea-sized hail would amass together to form giant ice floes 3 inches deep that are dangerous to walk on, let alone drive through. Good call, David Finfrock. Good call.

I went down, took the below-seen pictures, then retired back up to my balcony and watched everyone else crawl out of their rabbit-holes to marvel at this phenomenon. I actually just got finished watching two girls and three knight-in-shining-armor guys SHOVEL one of the girl's cars out of the HAIL she had gotten herself stuck in. Welcome to spring time in North Texas.




The view of the carport outside my building minutes after the storm. Thank goodness I had the foresight to park my car underneath. It might have been 6 pm and sunny at the time, but I went with my gut.



Giant hail ice floes. Ironically, the same one that said girl gets stuck in about 10 minutes after I take the pic. Hee.

Le Sigh.

I screwed up at work today. This doesn't happen very often. If you don't believe me, look up at the name of my blog. But when I do make a mistake, it's often huge, colossal, gigantic. Enter today.

We had our annual cheerleading banquet in March, with all of the usual costs and whatnot. Reserving a room at a pricey country club, DJ, decorations....you know, the essentials. One of our parents generously took care of all of the costs and sent me the bill so we could just write one check instead of ten. I'm in charge of the money for cheerleading, and I've been worried for awhile about the balance of our funds. We had to borrow money from the PTV (Parent-Teacher Volunteers, for those not familiar with school-speak) in order to pay our competition fees in January, and we were down to owing them slightly more than $800. We should have had plenty of money from the tickets we sold for banquet to cover the costs of that event, plus we do a daily fundraiser to generate the money to pay our debts. That's right, ladies and gentlemen: we sell beef jerky and water in our classes. You would not BELIEVE how much money we make off of this. It's like the children are starved at home, with the way they pack away the jerky.

Anyway...long story short, I hadn't paid the DJ yet for banquet. I was worried we wouldn't have the money, so I kept putting it off. We know the DJ personally (he is related to one of our cheerleaders), so I just set it aside with the understanding that we'd get to it as soon as we paid back PTV. Yeah, wrong choice. He called the administration office today. For those of you that haven't been in school for a while, the admin. office is like the White House to a school district. You speak in hushed tones while inside, always on the lookout for someone *important* to walk by. And you NEVER want them to know that you messed up. Sigh.

The DJ called admin., thinking it was a problem on their end. The administrative assistant in payroll called MY administrative assistant and got mad at her, thinking that she had lost the check request somewhere along the way. Granted, this has happened before with our AA, so it wasn't completely off-base for the admin. office to assume this, but they were wrong this time. It wasn't her fault, since she never received the check request from yours truly. My AA calls me, frantically trying to figure out if she has indeed misplaced it. I considered for approximately 3 seconds being a horrible person and letting the blame fall on her shoulders, but fortunately my mother raised a child with a very loud conscience. I told her that it was my fault and explained my reasoning. She was extremely understanding, I came down to her office, and we fixed the problem. The DJ is getting his check ASAP, and the cheerleading fund will not be depleted of all funds. So all is well. Sort of. I keep dwelling on it, wondering if this all could have been avoided if I had just gone to our AA and explained the situation, blah blah blah. I just hate making mistakes. I know that no one likes to make them, but I'm especially hard on myself, more than anyone else.

Sigh. I'll try for perfection again tomorrow.

If only all days were like this one...

Life would be pretty sweet. After all of the stress and havoc that always accompanies TAKS season, I took a well-deserved day off today. I was in bed by 10 last night, feeling like a rebel since I didn't set my alarm. I "slept in" until about 9 am, which might not seem like too late to some of you, but when you normally wake up around 5, 9 feels like noon. My agenda for the day consisted solely of getting my loans together for grad. school and taking it easy. I trotted off to the bank around 10:30, took care of my financial situation, reminded myself that I won't have any extra money for about the next 4 years, and ended my excursion by treating myself to Freebird's for lunch. I took a 2-hour nap after lunch (you know, having expended so much energy in the morning) then went and walked in the park for about an hour. It was pretty much a fantastic day. This is what it must feel like to not work AND have money to spend. Oh, to be one of the two people in the world that are in that position.

I was actually really glad to not be at school today, aside from the obvious reasons, since there were some things going down today that are really going to make some people mad, and I didn't want to be around to hear it. My school is going through major renovations this summer, and my principal revealed the master plan for the building today. I received an advanced copy of the plan yesterday afternoon since I was going MIA today. Basically, she is moving everyone around and changing everyone's teams, and some people are going to go into shock having to work with new people. In case you are unaware, schools at the present time have their teachers work in "teams", made up of 4 or 5 core-subject teachers that all have the same students. It's really a good idea, so that the teachers all have the same students and can back each other up during parent conferences, and it works really well for cross-subject planning and all that great stuff. For the past 3 years, our teams have all been the same, and it seems to be working well. All of us get along well, our test scores are going up, and no big conflicts have come up to my knowledge. My principal has decided that, since we're switching rooms anyway, we might as well switch teams. So next year I'll be working with a different English and Science teacher than I have been, although I'll continue to be working with the same History teacher. It saddens me to move away from the team that I know, but I'm really ok with the change. The teachers that are coming onto my team are great, and we get along well together, so it's not that big of a deal to me. The only thing that gives me pause is that we're moving, which is hard anyway, and we have to work with new teachers. But I'll handle it. Oh, but others are going to lose it. I hope my principal is prepared. Perhaps she took today off as well.

This weekend I am headed down to my grandparents' house for perhaps the shortest trip in the history of weekend trips. My grandparents' 55th wedding anniversary is tomorrow, and my parents and I are headed down to celebrate. My mother, however, has an interview in the morning for a teaching award through her school, so we can't leave til mid-morning. We'll get there around 2ish, hang out with my family, stay Saturday night, then get up really early Sunday morning and head back here. Keep us in your thoughts, cause it's really long trip for less than 24 hours of visitation. Have a good one!

Hello World...Again

So here I am. I've blogged before, and I miss it. Plus I've decided I've grown up from the baby blog I had before, attached to another, no-need-to-be-mentioned webpage, and I wanted to have something of my very own. Here goes.

I had a FABULOUS day. The 8th grade math TAKS test for the entire state was yesterday, and I feel like I've had a 1000 lb., double-spaced, stapled-together weight taken off my shoulders. My students say they did well. We shall see, in about two weeks in fact. Regardless, it is done. We spent the day today watching "October Sky", a funny yet surpisingly sober look at taking math into the real world. The rest of the school year should pass by in a blur of educational movies, Excel spreadsheet projects, field trips, and anxious glances towards the calendar, calculating exactly how many instructional days we have left. I can't wait!

My night has been spent glued to the tv, as there are impending storms on the horizon (literally, not metaphorically) and yours truly gets a little fearful when the atmosphere becomes turbulent. Let's just say I had a bad experience with softball-sized hail, a '94 Accord, and 2 am panic. Left me with some pretty deep scars that tend to surface in times of bad weather. Springtime in North Texas can be a hotbed of tornadic activity, with all of the accompanying rain, wind, and hail, and it keeps me running to the Weather Channel every five minutes. Thankfully, everything seems to be passing to the north, but I will not rest peacefully until the storms are at least 5 counties away.

In other news - things, they are a-changing in my life right now. I've decided that I do not want to stay in the classroom in a teaching capacity for the rest of my life. I can see the handwriting on the wall, and as bad and messed up as things are right now in public schools, I don't really see anything getting better any time soon. Therefore, in January, I made the decision to go back to school. I want to stay in the school atmosphere, since I love the little monkeys, for reasons unknown to me, so I have decided to become a counselor. I will be utilizing my sociology degree, as well as my unending need to help people, for the low price of one graduate degree and four more years of my life devoted to school. I am actually really excited about it, though. I am attending Tarleton State University, and before you start shouting about gas prices and driving two hours to Stephenville, never fear. There is a brand-new Tarleton campus springing up in Fort Worth, a measly 25 minutes from my house, and it will supply me with the exact degree that I desire. So my summer has already filled up with the starting of classes, not to mention the professional development required of me by my school each summer, as well as a proposed trip to Seattle to visit my very best lady.

Life is about to get interesting, my friends.