Fake It Til You Feel It

It's been awhile since I've written. A loooooong while. I am aware of this. Life gets busy, things start to happen, and all of a sudden it's been 18 months since last we spoke. I wish that I could apologize, but I really can't. In the last year and a half, I've changed jobs, bought a house, and have done some growing up. It's been nice and busy and wonderful, but I've missed you. So I'm back.

There is a specific reason I am back now. I've always been pretty sure of myself. Confident in my ability to do whatever I want to do, my path in life, and, though my self-esteem in some areas can drift back and forth, there never really has been anything to shake that confidence. Recently, however, I was thrown for a loop. Something happened to shake my confidence and make me question. I thought I was headed in the right direction, in line with where I was supposed to be, and I was wrong. Not only was I a little wrong, I was a LOT wrong. I can't really talk about what happened just yet, but let's just say it was personal and it hurt deeply. While finding out that I was so wrong did not shatter me completely, I did break a little. And I'm having some trouble putting myself back together again.

I am unhappy, for the first time in my life.

I've always been the girl with a smile on her face, content to be who and what she is. I will be the first to admit that I have my fair share of moods, but normally the only ones who see that side of me are those who are closest to me - my family and one or two lucky friends, and these times are few and far between. For the most part, I am a happy-go-lucky girl, excited to go to work every day (shocking, I know) and to hang out with her friends and family on the weekends. I am not currently this girl. Right now I am the girl who has to drag herself out of bed every day, when I used to be such a morning person (I looooved getting to work around 7am). I am the girl who cries at the drop of a hat, to which family members will scoff at and say I've always been like this. Nope, not like THIS. I'm the girl who would rather sit on her couch than go out and have dinner with a friend. I'm actually the girl who would rather sit on her couch than do much of anything. I am ANGRY. I am angry at what happened, angry at my situation, even angry with God.

But mostly, I am just unhappy. Unhappy with myself. I hate being unhappy with myself, and for turning the blame for this situation onto myself, when it so clearly belongs elsewhere.

My nerves are stretched so thin, all the time, and I actually have to remind myself to smile. You guys. I HATE being this girl. I want to throw things at this girl. But I'm not really sure how to stop being this girl. I have tried and tried, but nothing is working. This is where you come in.

I have started Operation Fake It Til You Feel It. My very best friend actually came up with the title (I feel I should give her props, as it is an amazing title). I am working on faking being happy, faking wanting to go out, faking excitement about going to work, faking being myself again, until one day I actually WILL be happy, WILL want to go out and see my friends, WILL be excited about work, or really just about anything, and I WILL once again be me. I also feel like writing will help, so here I am. Hopefully, sooner than later, I will really feel it and will not just be faking. You will be the first to know when that day happens (see? when? I'm already more optimistic).

In the meantime, I feel like enumerating some of the good things in my life might help outweigh the bad. Perhaps by listing some of them, I can concentrate on the good things, instead of solely focusing on the not-so-good.

1. I have a job. A job that I enjoy, and a job that I am damn good at. It is new to me, and I make mistakes. But I like what I do, I like working with the kids, and I'd like to think that others I work with think I'm doing a good job as well.

2. I own a house, by myself, at 28 years old. I actually bought it at the age of 27. Not many people can say that. It is probably the most adult thing I have done to date, and I love it.

3. I have great parents. FANTASTIC. I can't say enough about them. They are my support, my sounding boards, and my biggest fans. They always see the best in me, even when all I see is the worst, and they never let me give up on myself or on what I want. Never.

4. I have very good friends, who understand my need to creep back into my protective shell. I become very turtle-like when I've been hurt, and they get that. They hold me when I cry, take my calls when I need to talk, and support me in ways I can't even explain.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I stop faking it and start feeling it. Maybe it won't.

I'll still be ok.