I am unprepared.

One of my students died yesterday morning. I figured it would be easier if I just come right out and say it instead of hedging around it. It is not. His name was Brent, he was 14 years old, he was smart and goofy and funny, and he died from the impact of flying over his 4-wheeler when he applied the front brakes instead of the back brakes and hitting a brick mailbox head-on. The crazy, ironic thing is...he was wearing his helmet. Just goes to show that you really never know.

I found out while at a party with some friends, and at first I thought it was some cruel joke. It is incredibly hard for the brain to wrap itself around the idea that someone so vibrant, so full of life, with such a bright future ahead of him is suddenly gone. It wasn't a joke. In the space of one hour, I received 2 phone calls, 1 text message, and an official email from my principal. The world had indeed turned upside down.

Today was unarguably the worst day I have ever spent as a teacher. I have never heard the 8th grade hall so silent. We were all in complete shock. My 1st period students just stared into space with this eerily blank look in their eyes, horribly reminding me of pictures of Hurricane Katrina survivors. I debated for about 2 minutes on whether or not to try and have a normal day or let them grieve. The grief won. Once we as teachers decided to surrender to the sadness, all there was to see were pockets of students clinging to each other, either sharing stories of Brent and his antics to help relieve the silence or crying together, praying that they would wake up from the nightmare. I sat next to one of his best friends for about 30 minutes, not talking, not trying to make him *feel better* - just sitting. Somehow it comforted us both.

It was in that 30 minutes on the hallway floor with Cole that made me realize how unprepared I was for this situation. I thought back on my alternative certification classes that I took the summer before I became a teacher, wracking my brain for any remembrance of advice or protocol for the death of a student. There was nothing. In case that I had just missed out on the preparation since I am not actually an education major, I casually asked around, talking with teachers that I know have a degree in education to see if they were taught anything about this subject. You would think that this subject would at least be an appendix in an education textbook, seeing as how there are school shootings, teen suicides, and accidental deaths happening every day. There was nothing.

I have no idea what the rest of the week will bring. I do know that, come Saturday, we will be burying one of my students. Just the thought has tears rolling down my cheeks.

I am unprepared.