Wag More, Bark Less

I read this on a bumper sticker today and thought it was appropriate for my current situation. My nerves are right underneath the surface at this point, as are my feelings, and I am finding myself snapping or getting irritated so quickly these days. I am normally much more tolerant (for the most part), and so I am going to make a conscious effort to do more wagging, less barking.

I will leave you with a list of things that made me smile today:

• A cloud shaped like a smiling goldfish cracker.
• A conversation with my mom, that made me both smile and cry. In the mall. More on this later.
• A field of blooming bluebonnets on my way to the store.
• A couple of kids in my neighborhood playing with light sabers in their front yard. Ahh, the innocence of youth.
• A phone call from one of the best friends, doling out support and comfort just by being there to talk to.
• Buying my first coffee maker! I'm looking forward to tomorrow morning. :)

Wag more, bark less.

Fake It Til You Feel It

It's been awhile since I've written. A loooooong while. I am aware of this. Life gets busy, things start to happen, and all of a sudden it's been 18 months since last we spoke. I wish that I could apologize, but I really can't. In the last year and a half, I've changed jobs, bought a house, and have done some growing up. It's been nice and busy and wonderful, but I've missed you. So I'm back.

There is a specific reason I am back now. I've always been pretty sure of myself. Confident in my ability to do whatever I want to do, my path in life, and, though my self-esteem in some areas can drift back and forth, there never really has been anything to shake that confidence. Recently, however, I was thrown for a loop. Something happened to shake my confidence and make me question. I thought I was headed in the right direction, in line with where I was supposed to be, and I was wrong. Not only was I a little wrong, I was a LOT wrong. I can't really talk about what happened just yet, but let's just say it was personal and it hurt deeply. While finding out that I was so wrong did not shatter me completely, I did break a little. And I'm having some trouble putting myself back together again.

I am unhappy, for the first time in my life.

I've always been the girl with a smile on her face, content to be who and what she is. I will be the first to admit that I have my fair share of moods, but normally the only ones who see that side of me are those who are closest to me - my family and one or two lucky friends, and these times are few and far between. For the most part, I am a happy-go-lucky girl, excited to go to work every day (shocking, I know) and to hang out with her friends and family on the weekends. I am not currently this girl. Right now I am the girl who has to drag herself out of bed every day, when I used to be such a morning person (I looooved getting to work around 7am). I am the girl who cries at the drop of a hat, to which family members will scoff at and say I've always been like this. Nope, not like THIS. I'm the girl who would rather sit on her couch than go out and have dinner with a friend. I'm actually the girl who would rather sit on her couch than do much of anything. I am ANGRY. I am angry at what happened, angry at my situation, even angry with God.

But mostly, I am just unhappy. Unhappy with myself. I hate being unhappy with myself, and for turning the blame for this situation onto myself, when it so clearly belongs elsewhere.

My nerves are stretched so thin, all the time, and I actually have to remind myself to smile. You guys. I HATE being this girl. I want to throw things at this girl. But I'm not really sure how to stop being this girl. I have tried and tried, but nothing is working. This is where you come in.

I have started Operation Fake It Til You Feel It. My very best friend actually came up with the title (I feel I should give her props, as it is an amazing title). I am working on faking being happy, faking wanting to go out, faking excitement about going to work, faking being myself again, until one day I actually WILL be happy, WILL want to go out and see my friends, WILL be excited about work, or really just about anything, and I WILL once again be me. I also feel like writing will help, so here I am. Hopefully, sooner than later, I will really feel it and will not just be faking. You will be the first to know when that day happens (see? when? I'm already more optimistic).

In the meantime, I feel like enumerating some of the good things in my life might help outweigh the bad. Perhaps by listing some of them, I can concentrate on the good things, instead of solely focusing on the not-so-good.

1. I have a job. A job that I enjoy, and a job that I am damn good at. It is new to me, and I make mistakes. But I like what I do, I like working with the kids, and I'd like to think that others I work with think I'm doing a good job as well.

2. I own a house, by myself, at 28 years old. I actually bought it at the age of 27. Not many people can say that. It is probably the most adult thing I have done to date, and I love it.

3. I have great parents. FANTASTIC. I can't say enough about them. They are my support, my sounding boards, and my biggest fans. They always see the best in me, even when all I see is the worst, and they never let me give up on myself or on what I want. Never.

4. I have very good friends, who understand my need to creep back into my protective shell. I become very turtle-like when I've been hurt, and they get that. They hold me when I cry, take my calls when I need to talk, and support me in ways I can't even explain.

Maybe tomorrow will be the day that I stop faking it and start feeling it. Maybe it won't.

I'll still be ok.

Whoa.

Umm...how can my last post be September 5th??? Hasn't it only been a couple of weeks since I've last posted?? Apparently not. A lot has happened in my little world since we last spoke - so much that I have to actually organize what I am going to say so it does not come out in some rambling, run-on paragraph. In the meantime, I was tagged about a month ago by my friend Becky and am just now getting around to it. Enjoy, and I PROMISE I'll be back soon. :)

The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on the blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

My Six Things:

1. I have 30% hearing loss in my left ear. When I was a child, I got a really bad ear infection that resulted in a ruptured ear drum. Thus, the hearing loss. I never noticed it as a child, and my parents never made a huge issue of it. In fact, no one outside my family knew until I went to college. One day, my roommate Crissy asked me why I turned my head to the right when I was watching tv. Apparently I did face towards the right of the tv to compensate for not being able to hear as well on my left side. I never knew I did that. Kudos to Crissy. :)

2. I was abusive to my younger brother when we were kids. Well, perhaps abusive is the wrong word. "Torturous" might be better. :) I was three years older and hated him when we were children, since he took the attention off of me. I colored his head with Magic Markers, dragged him down the hallway by his foot, told him that PBJ sandwiches had onions in them (he HATES onions) and generally made his life a living hell for a few years. The best is when we played Barbies and GI Joes. We made a pact to play Barbies for an hour then switch to GI Joes for an hour, to be fair. However, only one of us could tell time (guess which one). We would play Barbies for the full hour, then switch to GI Joes...for about 15 minutes. Then it was back to Barbies! Hee, I was fun.

3. I am a sweet, mild-mannered, very easy to get along with gal...until I get behind the wheel of a car. I have a touch of road rage at times, I'll admit. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to drive. I mean, seriously, 55 in the left lane?? Stopping on an on-ramp to wait for the perfect spot to merge?? Come on. These and other offenses are often followed by yelling and fist-waving coming from my car. With a couple of more serious offenses, I have considered following said stupidity home or getting out of my car to have a few choice words with the stupid. I have resisted the temptation thus far, although usually a member of my family has to listen to me rant for a few miles in order for me to calm down. I have not resorted to throwing live animals. Do not worry.

4. I am addicted to Milano cookies. Seriously. I bought a package after a particularly grueling day at work and opened them up while I was talking with my roommate on the couch. Twenty minutes later they were All. Gone. The entire package. And honestly? I still kinda wanted some more.

5. Not only do I fold my underwear, but they are in stacks in my drawer according to type or cut. Who does that??

6. When I stretch out the toes of my left foot, my third and fourth toes don't move and continue to touch each other. My fourth toe just will not move. I broke that toe several years ago when I walked into the corner of my bed (we won't go there) and ever since then, try as I might, it stays firmly attached to my third toe.

I tag YOU.

I have nothing new to say.

Actually, that's not true. I have a lot to say, but I'm not ready to say any of it. So I'm deferring to the parroted list instead. Enjoy!

10 years ago...

September, 1998. I had just started my senior year in high school. I had applied to Texas A&M, the only university I wanted to attend. My parents pushed me to apply elsewhere, but since A&M is where I wanted to go, and I knew I'd get in (thank you top 10%), I figured what was the point? I drove a '04 Hyundai Excel, was drum major and all-around awesomeness in the band :) and life was just about perfect.


5 years ago...

September 2003. I had just graduated college the previous May, having no idea what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew is that I wanted to stay with my friends in College Station, so I ended up working a crappy bank teller job making just over minimum wage. I did, however, have the best time with my roommates, Andrea and Caitlin. I owe so much to you two. It was a scary time, trying to become an adult but having no idea the direction my life was headed, but I handled it the best I could.

5 months ago...

April 2008. Trying to survive my way through TAKS season. Spring is always a hard time for me, socially and job-wise. I spend all my time at school, and if I'm not there, I'm thinking about things I need to do when I get there.

5 things on my to do list tomorrow...

1. Sleep in without my alarm, thank goodness
2. Pick up my prescription
3. Grade papers
4. Do laundry
5. SMU football game with the family

5 things people don't know about me...

1. I own an NSYNC dvd of one of their concerts. Crissy and I used to actually sit and watch it for hours at a time.
2. I know 98% of the Friends episodes by heart. Maybe 99%.
3.When I was young, I colored on my little brother's head with markers.
4. Since my mom is a teacher, I used to think that everyone had the summer off, and my dad just had a really special job, since he didn't get a vacation like that.
5. I was 3 1/2 weeks late when I was born, which means I was HUGE. I ran out of room in my mom's stomach, so my feet were extremely pigeon-toed when I was a child, from being squished. I had to wear braces on my legs at night for a looooong time to correct the issue, and I'm still not convinced that it's corrected today.

5 bad habits...

1. I twirl my hair, especially when I'm nervous.
2. I have Really. Bad. Road. Rage. Just ask Alida, or my brother.
3. Expecting everyone to be as organized and on-time as I am.
4. Impatience...you would think that would have been cured the first year of teaching middle school. But no. No it hasn't been.
5. Thinking less of myself than I should.

5 places I've lived...

1. Fort Worth, TX
2. Aledo, TX
3. College Station, TX
4. Bryan, TX
5. Mansfield, TX

Tag 5 people...

You're it.

The Meme of Finished Sentences

Enjoy. :)

1. My uncle once: pointed a gun at my other uncle, who happened to be holding me at the time. So essentially, he pointed a gun at me. Yeah, my family's cool like that.

2. Never in my life: have I watched The Terminator movies. My friend was appalled when he found this out. I personally don't see what the big deal is.

3. When I was five: I skipped a grade in school because I was bored in the class I was in and getting into trouble. This is why I am younger than everyone I know.

4. High school was: a long time ago. I had fun, and there are times when I'm nostalgic about certain things, like band trips and football games, but I'm glad it's over.

5. I will never forget: where I was on 9/11, as I'm sure you won't either. I had just woken up, about 8:45, and had gone out to the kitchen to get some breakfast. My roommate, Crissy, was sitting on the couch watching the news. She looked up at me and said, "You're not going to believe this." At the time, they still thought that perhaps the building had been bombed instead of planed. Together we watched the second plane hit the tower, and then watched the two towers fall. I had a class later that day, and as I was riding the bus, it struck me how silent everyone was. There was no talking on the bus whatsoever. I will never forget.

6. Once I met: Yao Ming. The Chinese President came to talk at the Bush Library when I was a senior, and I got to go with the OPS team from MSC OPAS for security purposes. Yao Ming had traveled up from Houston, and I got to meet him after the speech. He is HUGE. I came to his belly button. Seriously.

7. There’s this girl I know: who moved across the country and didn't know anyone. She's pretty awesome. As are all my girls.

8. Once, at a bar: I threw up IN the bar. In front of people. It was my 23rd birthday, I hadn't eaten that much during the day, and we only had about an hour and a half to celebrate. I downed 3 amaretto sours and 2 beers in an hour and then proceeded to throw up next to our table. It's a good thing I was friends with the owner.

9. By noon, I’m usually: dying for lunch. During school I eat breakfast on my way to school, around 6:30, so by noon my stomach is craving more nourishment.

10. Last night: I watched The Notebook, even though it's torture for me. My grandma has Alzheimer's, which is much like the dementia that Ali suffers from in the movie, and I'm unable to watch her struggle. So I fast forward through the present-time parts of the movie and only watch the scenes from the book Noah reads. It's better for me that way.

11. If only I had: my debts paid off. I'd be a much happier girl.

12. Next time I go to church: will be Sunday.

13. What worries me most: never paying off my bills.

14. When I turn my head left I see: my patio door and the TV.

15. When I turn my head right I see: my over packed August calendar.

16. You know I’m lying when: see, here's the thing: I lie really really well. Seriously. I can look you right in the eye and lie, and you'd never know. This is why I never do it. It would be much too easy. So to finish the sentence: you'd never know when I was lying.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is: the innocence of childhood.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare I’d be: Viola from Twelfth Night. We had to make these videos in senior English, our group chose that particular comedy, and I was chosen to play Viola. I loved it. Our video was not so good, partly because we shot it all in one day, but mostly because we were seniors and just didn't care.

19. By this time next year: I'll be much closer to my master's degree, and hopefully I'll be in a different phase of my life.

20. A better name for me would be: Sophia. No reason, I just like the name.

21. I have a hard time understanding: close-minded people. Believing that there is only ONE way to do anything is super arrogant, to my way of thinking.

22. If I ever go back to school, I’ll: be a lot older, seeing as how I've already decided to go back to school for my master's degree.

23. You know I like you if: my friends know about you.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be: the person or people who are giving me the award. Very polite, Becky.

25. Take my advice, never: try to clean around a burner with a paper towel while the burner is on. This is how fires begin.

26. My ideal breakfast is: a cheese and onion omelet. YUM.

27. A song I love but do not have is: Near to You by A Fine Frenzy. LOVE it.

28. If you visit my hometown, I suggest you: ignore the monstrosity that is the new football stadium. It really is just hideous.

29. Why won’t people: get out of the left lane if they are going slower than the flow of traffic?? This is the cause of much road rage for me.

30. If you spend a night at my house: you'll have to talk loudly if you want to wake me up. I wear earplugs to bed. When I first lived on my own, every little noise scared me to death, so I started wearing earplugs so I could sleep at all. Now, I've gotten so used to them that I cannot sleep without them.

31. I’d stop my wedding for: almost nothing. It'd have to be pretty serious (ie natural disaster (HUGE natural disaster) or heart attack) for me to stop my wedding.

32. The world could do without: wasps. They serve no purpose but to frighten and intimidate, and they resemble the aliens on Independence Day.

33. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: do the dishes.

34. My favourite blonde(s) is/are: Justin Timberlake. YUM.

35. Paper clips are more useful than: wasps. And crickets.

36. If I do anything well it’s: reading. And organizing.

37. I can’t help but: read. It's a sickness really. Last week, I succumbed and got a library card. I am opposed to library cards because I like to own my books, but it's just too expensive. So I caved.

38. I usually cry: at everything. Anything that you can possibly think of to cry at, I do. I cry when the OnStar commercials come on the radio and you hear the panicked voices of the car crash victims. It's ridiculous, really.

39. My advice to my child/nephew/niece: You can do anything you want to do. Just try.

40. And by the way: I love to write blogs like this. Takes out all the work for me. :)

Have you ever gone through a time...

...when you question everything about your life? Then you'll recognize where I am, right about now. I don't really know why yet, and I don't have a whole lot of words on the subject, but I'm doing a lot of questioning right now. If I ever find the answers, I will explain in more detail. Promise.

In other news...

I got an A in my first graduate class!! Granted, it was an intro class, and I believe that about 90% of the class received A's, but still. I have a 4.0 for the first time in my college career, and I'm reveling, baby. AND I passed my high school math certification test on the FIRST TRY. Just about unheard of with this bad boy. I seriously know people that took the test five times before they passed. Five times of taking a 90-question, 5 hour mother of a test. Oh, and paying $85 each time to take said monster. I am so happy I passed the first time around.

I traveled with the lovely Amy last weekend to visit my pseudo-nephew, Ian Caleb Hartl. I call him my pseudo because I'm really not related to either of his parents, but I might as well be. So he's my nephew. He is 15 days old and 7 lbs. of complete preciousness. He hardly ever cried and was always in the greatest mood. And Oh. My. Gosh. The kid can EAT. All the time he would eat. It was hilarious. But we were all glad of the eating, and the pooping that inevitably followed, since he had some issues with that when he first came home. So eat away, Ian!! Just give your mom a little down time now and again.

Here he is, sleeping in his daddy's arms.

Here's my baby, just chillin' on the ottoman.

Have a great week!!!

I have a confession.

Seriously. I think I have a weight I need to get off my chest. HUGE confession. I'm only going to share it with you. Ready?

I think I have an addiction problem.

It's weird...I don't really think I have an issue when I'm in the middle of a binge. I always think, "Linds, you can handle this. No problem." But it always ends the same: waking up in the morning, can't remember what I did the night before, can't really even remember my own name. Spending all of my paycheck to score the good stuff, just to be back on the street in less than a week, trying to make the deal. Scary stuff. This happened again last night, which would be the third night in a row. This has lead me to believe that I need to take that shaky first step and admit I have a problem.

I, Linds, am addicted to books.

ADDICTED.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Why is it scary to be addicted to books?? Isn't reading a *good* thing?? For normal people without the addiction, yes, reading is considered a pleasant pasttime, even a hobby. For me? Scary obsession is the only phrase that comes to mind.

I don't just read books. I devour them. I spend sleepless nights with my books, quickly turning page after page, so anxious to figure out what happens. The last three Harry Potter books? Stayed up all night long to finish. I'm talking 5 am, 6 am, people. And for two of those books, I had to work the next day. Did that give me pause? No, sir. I'm hardcore.

I cannot use the library. I must OWN my books. Hardback, paperback, it doesn't matter. They have to belong to me. I tried to use the library when I was younger. I ended up with major fines, simply because I Would. Not. Turn. Them. In. I currently own over 200 books, stuffed into three bookcases. I try to organize them alphabetically, and by genre (yes, I am slightly OCD), but I have run out of room on my bookshelves, so now I stuff. And I just bought four more tonight. Four. I also keep a running calendar of when books by my favorite authors are coming out. For instance, there is one coming out next Tuesday, and then of course, Breaking Dawn on Aug. 2. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I feel so sorry for you.

Tuesday are my favorite day of the week - it's when new books come out. EVERY week.

At any given moment, I can be reading up to three books at a time, depending on how captivated I am by the story. If I'm into a book, like can't-put-it-down, reading-it-on-the-toilet-cause-it's-just-that-good into it, then I'll stop all of my other books I'm currently reading and focus all of my attention on just that one. If there is a book, however, that is not *that* great, just ok, I'll read it along with a couple others, just to keep my options open. I'm also a re-reader. My mother can't stand it. If I don't have a new book waiting when I finish the last one (which is rare), I'll pull out one of my old ones. Yes, I know what happens in those books. Some of them I can quote. They are just SO good. I can't help myself. Many of my books I have re-read up to 4 or 5 times, a couple more than that.

I blame my parents. They are the ones that just *had* to read to me when I was a child. And, if I recall correctly, they are the ones who insisted I have nap time, which did not necessarily consist of a nap. If I wasn't tired, I could read - I just had to stay on my bed and have a quiet hour. Oh, if they only knew then what that hour a day would turn me into as an adult - an addicted, quivering mess with no self-control whatsoever as soon as she steps foot in a bookstore. You should have known, Mom and Dad.

Thanks for listening and getting this off my chest. You have no idea how much this helped.

:)